Monday night after I stopped writting Jim wanted to go to sleep. He asked if he could call me, and I said no because Christi was sleeping. Usually that only means the dorm room phone. I thought he would know that by now. He signed off of AIM and I waited for him to call my cell phone until 2AM. After I realized it was not going to happen I sent him a text saying that I had waited up for him and was now going to sleep.
Tuesday morning I woke up to the phone. It was Jim. I picked it up and more on the angry/upset side said hello. He was all happy and cheerful and "GOOD MORNING BUBBY!" I was not in a cheerful mood because I had not slept well AT ALL because I didn't get to hear him tell me he loves me before I went to bed. And I expressed those feelings. But neither of us really had time to fight, I had to go to class, and he had to walk into work. I said "I can't do this with you right now" because we had to go to class and work and the response I got was a mean "FINE!"...At this point I feel as though I am going to self destruct so I screamed at him "I LOVE YOU TOO! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU BIG JERK!"...Yea...Tuesday November 18th was mine and Jim's 1 year and 4 month anniversary. What a way to start it huh?!? I then hung up on him and walked into my building to go to the always fun Exceptional Child! I almost cried several times during the lecture, however my extreme frustration did fuel me to get a 9/10 on my quiz! After Exceptional Child I went back to my dorm room to go to sleep until Political Science like I always do, but this time it took FOREVER to get back to sleep. I woke up to a FREAKING out Christi, who was on the phone with a friend and was freaking out because she had apparently lost her Cal Card and was REFUSING to go to class without it. Oyy...She left and I just gave up on getting back to sleep, but stayed in bed. Jim called at lunch, and we talked for a bit, everything ended fine, but of course we only had all of 10 minutes to talk. Which sucked. I decided to just give up on everything to do with any form of concentration, layed in bed for a bit more, then gave up and got dressed. I walked to Political Science in the SNOW! I had noticed earlier that week that I had a 0/100 on an "in class assignment" which I knew I did and had remembered doing, so I DON'T THINK SO! I talked to the professor...Who is Spanish (or something!) and I feel like doesn't understand a DAMN thing I am saying. It's frustrating. But he got it enough to tell me that he will check into it RIGHT AFTER class, and I WILL get credit for it. Yea...It's now Sunday by the way...And that STILL has not happened. I sat through the rest of the class being bored as ever. After Political Science I knew I couldn't go to the barn, so I just got something to eat instead. I sat down and ate for the first time in what feels like forever. But NOT in my room! I saw Dri and Beej on my way out and we sat and talked. We sat in the Student Union from about 3 to about 6, because we both had a night class. I met up with Caitlyn outside and we walked to Math. I only had to sit and deal with THAT crap for about an hour. Then I had Choir Rehersal! It went really well, so well in fact that Dr Ikach said that he was canceling Choir on Wednesday, just be there in time for our concert! I went back to my room, played WoW and talked to Jim for a bit, and went to sleep. Wednesday Jim called to wake me at lunch, and I decided against it. I slept through Psyche and Choir (which was canceled anyway). But I got up for English! After English I was IM texting Jim like crazy, trying to figure out whether he wanted me down there or not. We were nervous about the weather. Sarah signed on and I asked her about the weather because her Dad actually drives to cal every day for work! She said everything was fine, so I told Jim that I was going to fight with the surely frozen Gracey mobile. Well my car ACTUALLY fired RIGHT up and we left. I got to 84 before Jim, and if he would have been 10 seconds later, he would have had a bubby-cicle. There was NOTHING at the movie theatre, and that's what we usually do, so we had to get creative. We decided to go to the North Park Clubhouse to eat dinner, because we hadn't been there forever, and that place's food is always SO good! As always, dinner was fantastic. After dinner we went to the pet store, that actually sells pets! PUPPIES! AND KITTIES! LOVE THEM! I got to be silly and want them ALL and I think Jim just had fun laughing at me. After the pet store we weren't sure what we were going to do, but Jim all of the sudden had an idea. He's wanted more RAM for his computer for a while now, and found some on EBay cheap, but wanted to look around and compare prices. We went to a buncha different office stores, and settled at Best Buy (which thank goodness has holiday hours so it's open later). Jim found an AWESOME deal on RAM and I found the new In This Moment CD and was picking on him. We decided to look around a bit more, and found Josh and Heather! They are EVERYWHERE! Hahaha. We bullshitted with them a lot in the store, and Heaher has the new In This Moment CD, so Jim won THAT battle. Jim and Josh played Rock Band for a while and it was really funny, I took a video and told them they had to show their boss. Even though there is Holiday Hours, Best Buy still closes eventually, and we got kicked out. Josh talked on his cell phone in the car to his girlfriend, and Heather Jim and I made faces at him, and mooned him, and drifted around his car picking on him. We had no idea what we were going to do when Josh got off of the phone, but for now we were having fun! Josh got off the phone, and reveiled that he had never really been to South Side! WHAT?!? So we decided to drop his car off and go on an adventure. We didn't really have any money, so we couldn't go to the hookah bar or anything, but we DID make un-official plans for NEXT Wednesday, for Hookah. After a bit of traveling, we decided to drop them off and get me back to 84. I had yet another safe trip home (and he was worried about the weather...psht!). When I got in we talked a bit more, and then went to bed.
Wednesday night/Thursday morning I guess...I had a night terror...So I texted Jim asking that if he was awake to PLEASE call me...He didn't...I had woken up at 3AM on the dot, and knew if I tried to sleep now, I was never waking up to an alarm, and I would sleep right through Exceptional Child...So I never went back to sleep...I got up and got dressed for Exceptional Child, and BARELY made it through. I was not feeling well at this point AT ALL and just wanted to go back to bed. So after class I did. And I slept till 4PM when Jim called. I had slept right through two other calls, and 3 text messages from different people. When I picked up the phone he asked if I was okay, and when I responded in a groggy tone he said "O MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO BE SOOO PISSED! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!?" I explained to him that I had gotten up for Exceptional Child, then went back to sleep till just now. He kinda laughed at me, but then had to go back to work, so we got off the phone. I went and got something to eat, and came back to relaxe at my desk for a bit. I got an IM that I never thought I'd see again...Tom...After I got my heart to stop skipping beats I responded. We talked about a lot. And kinda started to fight. He called my dorm room and scared the hell out of me because I never would have thought he'd remember the number. We were getting pretty deep into conversation, when there was a knock at my door. I'll admit I was a little scared because it seems like every time Tom comes back around, so does the trouble. But it was just Kayla from next door, wanting to walk to the Choir Concert with me. SHIT! I had almost forgotten all about it. I picked the phone back up and explained to Tom that I had to go, but asked if we could talk later. He agreed, and we hung up. I threw on my dress code required black pants and shoes, and ran out with Kayla. The Choir Concert went great. I almost blew my solo REALLY bad because when I looked out into the crowd Brandon was there, but I saved it. The people in the crowd probably didn't even know it was wrong. It wasn't that bad I guess. After the concert I called Jim while walking back, and he seemed kind of angry when I mentioned that Brandon was there. I turned in my robe, and helped put away other people's robes, and then left to go back to my room. Campus was kinda madness, between people going to the premire of Twlight and leaving the Choir conert (we had a full house), so I wasn't really worried. I got back into my room and called Jim back. We played WoW for a bit, then got on AIM for a bit. Just in time too. At about midnight Sarah IM'ed me. Which, I love her, but anyone IM'ing at midnight usually is not good. I was right. Not good. Sarah and Cooper broke up on November 20, 2008. Technically 21st, their anniversary. For real this time. She wasn't even crying. Sarah, Jim, and I talked for a good while on Buddy Chat, assuring Sarah that no one hates her, and that it isn't her fault. Then we all had to go to bed.
Friday I woke up feeling pretty damn great because I knew that was the day that Jim was supposed to come and spend the weekend with me. Choir was canceled again, but I got up and went to Psyche. After Psyche I got to eat lunch before English for once! English went well, and I found a brand spanking new ipod touch just laying at my seat! It had a name engraved in the back, and a few things on it, but those could be EASILY deleted. I was seriously thinking about the $225 that thing is worth that I DON'T have...But I texted Jim to make sure there wasn't any sort of tracking system. I even talked about it to someone in the class, but made it seem casual. He said he didn't think so either. SO in my pocket it went! I didn't want it, I have my own little dinky ipod shuffle, I just wanted the money! When I got back into my room I started talking to Cassy and I also watched the episode of Grey's that I missed Thursday because of the Choir Concert. Waiting for Grey's to load I got an email from the owner of the ipod, so I agreed to meet her in front of the union at 6. I really wished I didn't have whatever's left of my concious. But I did give it back. She was extremely grateful, which made me feel good. I went back to my room and finished my episode of Grey's. It was only a few hours until Jim was supposed to get here so naturally I was bounching off of the walls! Yea...That's all well and good till Jim texts me and says that he can't come because of "you know who you know why" and that he's sorry and doesn't want to talk about it. No offense babe but at that point I don't care if you want to talk about it or not! So I called. We talked for a bit, but I kept being passed between him and his Dad because they were still at bowling. He said we'd talk later and we hung up. I wanted to explode. I decided to check all of my mail sources instead. When I signed on Facebook Michelle DOUCHE BAG sent me a message freaking out about how she can't see Mike and she's on accademic probation and whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch. I DON'T CARE BITCH! I'm sorry but I really don't feel like listening to you bitch about how you can't see MY ex-boyfriend. I don't want to be your friend. It's great that we can be civil. But I hate you. I didn't say that, because that would lead to being un-civil again but I said that it's not snowing, and that I am not in the mood, and that I do not care. I proceeded to check my stuff and she said 'Well what the fuck is YOUR problem?!?"...I signed off...I decided maybe a way too hot shower would calm my nerves, and went to try it. As soon as I got in the water, the phone went off. Great! I answered without looking with a rather mean "WHAT?!?" It was Mike, my ex, and now trying to be friend, asking where I was that it wasn't snowing. I told him that it was no longer snowing here, and I knew Jim had said that it wasn't snowing there either. Mike said that it was snowing at his house, which I responded to with another obviously angry "I don't care"...He got the hint said talk to you later and we hung up. I got back in the shower. And did WAAYY too much thinking. When I got out of the shower and mostly dressed, I called Mike back. And went OFF! Asking where the fuck this I have to be in Pgh EVERY weekend BULLSHIT came from and how if it snowed when WE were together I didn't get SHIT and it told him about Michelle and my conversation and how she's too needy for a long distance relationship and overall WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING?!? He sat in pretty much silence the entire time I was venting and when I stopped he asked if I was done...I said a defeated sounding yes...And he said he was going to call my dorm room phone. He hung up on me. And sure as shit, the dorm room phone rang about 2 minutes later and it was him. I talked to my ex boyfriend who I swore I would hate forever for about 3 hours on Friday night. We even talked about going to the strip club together. He has never been to one. And he was really genuienly trying to cheer me up. We talked a lot about Michelle. And our past. And how he doesn't want to be with Michelle anymore, how he's only staying with her because he's afraid that his dog will just "run away" because it's with her. How he's just waiting for one more big fight to totally end it. And we talked about who he wants to be with, a girl I knew he wanted to be with even during our relationship. Vera. She is beautiful. And everything he wants and needs. And she would take care of him so everyone else would be happy. We seriously considered meeting at the strip club for a LONG time, but I knew I probably wouldn't be much fun to be around, so I blammed the weather and said we shouldn't go out. A while later, his other phone rang, and he told me he had to go and call Michelle to tell her that the weather was too bad and he was turning around. He had never left the couch. What's that tell you...I told him that this was pretty much goodnight, talk to her, go to sleep, etc. We said goodnight and hung up. I just sat at this desk and stared into space for a while. Then AIM went off telling me I had a new IM from Jim. He had made it home. I asked if he wanted to talk to me now and he said yea, but then never said anything, so I brought up conversation. He said tommarow bright and early he was going to move the stuff in the basement like they wanted, then would be on his way. We debated on holding a protest and not sleeping until it could be next to each other, but he passed out on me at rapid speed, so I reluctantley told him just to go to sleep. He called and we said our I love you's, and he went to sleep. I stayed up for a while, just sitting at my desk reading "Eclipse" (Twilight loser)...
It's Saturday by now...And I got another IM from Tom...He had just gotten home, he was in a car accident. I kinda panicked. So he turned on his webcam on AIM so that I could see he was okay. We had a little video chat. I don't have a webcam, so he could only HEAR me, but I could only SEE him but not hear him...It was weird...We talked about a lot...Lots of painful stuff...Then all of the sudden I could hear him! It was weird hearing and seeing him...And he kept eye contact with the webcam (and therefore me) the entire time. It was like he was here. It was like my best friend was back. The only OLD best friend I feel like I have left. It was bitter sweet. I'm not sure I can trust him to never leave me again...But I can try until he does...We ended up talking with absolutley NO sense of the time...That worked until about 7:30 in the morning, because the sun had come up. We just laughed, but decided sleep was probably in our best interest. And I knew it was only a few hours till Jim would get here, and didn't want to be total walking dead...So I curled up in my bed and knew for the first time without Jim that I was going to sleep...And I did! Until 4:30! O MY GOD! I shot up out of bed and thought for sure Jim had already called and been sitting in the parking lot for hours. But when I looked at the phone, there was no call. This made me even MORE worried though. Where was he?!? I called. No answer. Freak out some more. Bathroom. Get dressed. Phone rings. YES! It was Jim. He was only in Heidleberg! And he. was. PISSED! Great...But he was on his way so...He got here and I just got in the car so we could go and get something to eat. He seemed a little on the edge, but was trying, so I tried too. It worked till we talked about which McDonalds to go to. I brought up the one by Sheetz so we could see if Twlight was playing in the movie theatre by there. Good. Grand. Swell. Ok. To that McDonalds. The movie theatre close to there wasn't playing Twlight (what the hell...!) but we went to that McDonalds anyway. We had cupons. So we got a lot of food. He asked if I would want something to drink, and where the closest liquor store was. I forgot TOTALLY about the little hole in the wall one in Cal. I called Kim to ask her. But no answer. He said forget about that, what did I want to do. I said Twlight. I thought maybe I could remember where the other theatre was, in Uniontown. Kim called back and reminded me of the one in Cal, I said thanks bleh bleh bleh, and Jim turned around! Umm...Hun...Where ya goin?!? I thought we were goin to the movies?!? That's when the sudden freaking out started! He had forgotten and I said just forget it that's fine. And he freaked out saying he hates when I do that and stuff. Bleh bleh bleh. He asked what I wanted to do again, and I said just go home. We talked more about the liquor store. But when we got to Cal he went straight onto campus...Okayyy...I asked him about it and there was more freaking out about "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?" by now, I'm pretty much having a panic attack, and I just want to go home. Whatever. We got back in the room and ate most of our McDonalds, and then cuddled while watching Saw 3 and 4. I liked them as well, like I liked the 2nd one. The 5th one is no longer in theatre's (of course!) so we'll wait till it comes out on DVD and watch it then. Sarah called after Saw 4 was over and we were just sitting around. Cooper had come to get his stuff. And she was hysterical. I didn't know what to tell her. She broke up with him! But I did my best to calm her down, and she said she had to go, so we hung up. Jim and I silly fought about his stupid phone alarm going off, but he got defensive AGAIN. We cuddled for a bit, and then I was feeling SO sick. The worst part...By this time it's about 4AM. I was definatley feeling sick. After I felt well enough, I asked Jim if HE was okay. He said "Yea. It's just 4:30 in the morning."...I don't know why I took it the way I did...But I had to go into the bathroom and cry...I felt like I was such a bother and just no fun for him anymore...I felt like I am a bother to him when I get sick...He had snapped at me like 8 times that day...He was 20 hours late...I just felt like he did not want to be with me at all...So I hid in the bathroom...And bawled...I came back out and got into bed where he was already basically sleeping...So I just went to sleep myself...
The next morning (Sunday). Jim and I didn't wake up until 1PM. And he had a text message. From both his Dad and his sister, asking if he was going to his grandfather's suprise birthday party that day at 3. O god...Here we go...After so much laying in bed that came to him having to leave in about...25 minutes...He said "I have to go get in the shower real fast cuz I have to leave soon"...Okay...So I didn't want to get in the shower with him because then it would've taken longer! But (of course!) he was upset that I didn't. I can't win. He sat down and started to say that he loved me and was sorry and bleh bleh bleh. I said it didn't matter. Love doesn't get him to stay in my bed. Love doesn't fix anything. He seemed kinda angry. But continued to sit there. Just staring across the room. I said "let's go, you're gonna be late..." and he let me get up. I got dressed, and we walked to his car. He never reached for my hand...Or even looked at me...We got in the car, still nothing. He parked by my building and told me he'd talk to me later. I said okay. Waiting for a kiss...A hug...ANYTHING! Then he said bye. I said fine and got out of the car slowly. And walked away. And he just sat there in the car. When I was running up the stairs inside my building, he called. I answered the phone and said "What?!?" He asked if I wanted a hug and kiss. I told him that if he really wanted a hug and kiss he would've asked earlier. He just kept telling me to come outside. Of course I finally caved. The people in my building must think that I am insane. I ran back outside crying. He got out of the car when I was coming down the outside stairs. When I kept walking at him full force, tears streaming down my cheecks. I practically threw myself into his arms, and he just stood there and held me while I kept saying that I was so mad at him. He held me, and kissed me, and told me he loved me. Pretty much tried to cram everything I had wanted since we woke up into 5 minutes. I begged him to stay, then begged him to let me come with him and I would pay him for gas to bring me back so he could stay another night. He declined both. And I felt even more that he didn't want to be with me. I felt terrible. He left me anyway...He was very late...I came back inside, and thought maybe a shower would help. I called to let him know that so he didn't call and I didn't answer. I cried again. Then got in the shower. It made me feel a little bit better. Jim made it home safely, and after my shower I decided to read a bit. Jim called while I was reading, and I was honestly a little afraid of why he might be calling. He called to say that Cooper had called him, and wasn't doing so great (of course) and wanted to go to Jim's mothers bar and have a few drinks and talk. Jim was calling to make sure that was okay. I said of course. But told him that it did hurt. Because I was living as a stupid fairy tale teenager...And part of me wanted to believe so badly that Jim was going to come back to me after his Grandpap's dinner...And now that he was going out with Cooper I was sure that wasn't going to happen...But I totally understood that best friend time was needed...And I had NO problem what so ever with them going out. I just told them have fun, but careful fun. I even told Jim to tell Cooper that I miss him and please don't hate me. Cooper texted me from his phone and said he didn't hate me, and that he was going to call me later...That made for the biggest smile I had all weekend...Since that has happened, I have been sitting here. Just sitting here. Writting in this. And Lindsay IM'd me. She asked questions about Tom. Who is apparently ALREADY starting drama. Shoot me. I can't deal with people. I can't deal with this BULLSHIT! Maybe I know ALREADY that I can't trust him...
I think I am going to go read some more. And wait for something to change.
I may very well be back...It's not even 9PM yet...
I love you leelan...
P.S. Only you will get this...
I wanna make you smile
Whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do, is grow old with you
I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.

Ugh...I hate Mondays...First, last night, at about 1 in the morning, I called Jim after I had calmed down about thinking about my speech I had to give in English, to tell him I love him. He said he was just about to call or text me, which made me feel good. After I got off the phone I fell down on those stupid rugs my roomate Christi INSISTS being in the lenolium hallway! I hit the floor hard, and landed the wrongest way possible! I hit my head AND my knee popped. I swore at the time that if I would roll up my jeans I would see a bone pertruding my skin and coming out to say hello. So I just sat on the floor for a bit whimpering hoping I didn't wake Christi, cuz I REALLY did NOT need her crap at the time...She never woke up, and I crawled my way to the computer. Jim had gone to bed about half an hour ago at this point, but I got my laptop onto the floor and started IMing him like crazy, hoping the repetative annoying noise would wake him. It didn't. So I texted his phone from AIM. I explained and told him that I will pass out here shortly if someone doesn't do something. I was in so much pain that already things were getting fuzzy. He kept saying do you want me to call (which the answer was no, I fell and wanted to cry and didn't wake Christi, but the phone would have), and then he kept asking if I wanted him on AIM. No...I only IMed you a buncha times for you to lay in bed...I didn't say that because at this point I feel like it's too late and if I don't start trying to get in my bed at this point, I am sleeping on the floor. So I told him nevermind and I love him and headed for bed. Eventually I got in, and passed out.

This morning Jim called at lunch to make sure I was awake. And after a lot of cute "wake up" "no" I knew I had to get up. Especially cuz Jim had to get off the phone to eat and I knew if we hung up and I was still in bed, I was falling back to sleep...And that wasn't a good idea. I sat up, and got off the phone. Not thinking, I got my feet to the side of the bed, and stood up. OOOUUUCCCHHHH!!! I am really very glad Christi wasn't in the room to hear the plethera of swear words coming out of my mouth at this point. I had totally forgotten about my knee (from last night) and it OBVIOUSLY didn't cure itself over night. After I got myself to see straight, I put my knee in a straight positon, and got my ACE bandage. I wrapped the fucker as tight as humanly possible and pulled myself back up (with help from the bed and dresser). Getting dressed was definatley interesting! But I still knew I had to go to class. So I walked all the way to Duda, keeping my knee straight, and probably looking like a total idiot. It seemed like it took FOREVER to get there, but I finally did. Psyche went well, I actually find myself kinda sorta maybe a little bit liking that class some days. The professor is extremely cool and easy going, and tells lots of stories. After Psyche I was really glad that Choir was in the Performance Center in the Student Union instead of in Gallagher like it usually is. I took the elevator to the 3rd floor, and stood on the floor not on the risers after explaining to my director. The Choir Concert is Thursday, so we have all our usually Mon and Wed at class time to reherse. PLUS Tuesday night (I have to leave Math early) and Thursday night is the concert. So...NO BARN FOR ME THIS WEEK! Which I am upset about...Afer Choir I went to English, and turned in my research paper. IT'S FINALLY OVER! Then I had to present. OOO GOD! I am so bad in front of my peers. Just my peers tho. Lil kids I'm great at. My peers is oober bad. But I got up there. I shook the ENTIRE time. When my teacher asked "any questions?" at the end a buncha hands went up. O NO! But it was just people that wanted to talk. They either were related to/knew a teacher, or a kid, or a special ed kid. I stood in front of the class and talked for about 10 more minutes more than I was supposed to. We had a little class discussion where, litterally, I was the teacher! I even relaxed a bit! At the end everyone clapped for me and my teacher said "Very good topic. Very good Chels". YYYAAAYYYY!!! I came back to my room, and emailed Jenna from the barn the Exceptional Child notes from Thursday, texted Jim a bit, and started talking to Cassy. NOTE: There are 2. C-A-S-S-I-E is my Cassie Mae, my Brain! C-A-S-S-Y is the Cassy that lives here and is acutally going to be my roomate ASAP! We have gotten a lot closer, and I am very glad and excited for that. Well, anyway, she asked me if I wanted to hang out today. So I believe that's where I am going to head to now.
Be back to write more later, it's only 4:30, there will be more

Well it's after midnight now. I never went to Cassy's. I looked outside and it was like a blizzard so I decided that was probably a bad idea. I believe that if you can't drive in weather, you shouldn't drive at all. But NO ONE can drive in ICE. Especially with a car as huge as mine. And I just do not need to hear it from my parents if (heaven forbid) I were to EVER wreck my car. So I didn't leave. I got on WoW instead. Shortly after Jim got home from work, ate something, and continued to walk (I am so proud of him!) and after all that, he joined me. We played WoW for a few hours, I leveled once (I can't get to 55 fast enough for Jim though...) and we talked and stuff. It was very nice. I like talking to him. It's the best part of my day. I even found out Christi used to play WoW which I NEVER would have EVER thought. After a while our eyes started to hurt though, so we decided to get off of WoW and on to the much less focus required AIM. I talked to Jim, and Cassy, and Cassie. Hahaha. It was nice. Got to vent a little to the only friends I feel like I have left. Christi and I heard people playing outside. So we opened the window, and since this room hasn't had a screen since I moved in (Freshman year!) we asked the boys to throw a snowball (lightly) into our room. We were too lazy to get dressed and go outside. And they did! It exploded a bit on the floor, but we took what was left and made a new snowball and put it in our sink. It's our pet snow ball. Hahaha. I am still talking to Jim and Cassy now, but Jim's dying fast. He's leaving me here shortly. After I did so good keeping up conversation. Whatever. I hate when he leaves me every night/day.
Tommarow I am crazy busy. So I'll try to write, but no promises.
I love you leelan...

Well I know I already posted my "I want" entry today but I figured I'd post again about TODAY!

Jim and I talked for a long time last night. We talked about something scary. We talked about that if something were to ever happen to him, his mother would not sign for consent to let me in the hospital room to see him. She wouldn't even call me to let me know something was wrong. I'd have to wait for his Dad for everything. And what if his Dad was at work and didn't hear/feel the phone?!? I wouldn't find out until forever! And I think I would definately beat his Dad to the hospital, whether I was at Cal or wherever. Jim's Mom surely wouldn't let me in, I'd have to wait for Jimbo. And then if his Mother ever would do that to me, I would never be allowed to be in the same room as her ever again...We also talked about because I didn't get to see him Saturday, I asked him to come to Cal with me. He said no because he would never hear the end of it from his fucking mother if he came with me today (Sunday) and then AGAIN came up this weekend. Like he's never lied to his mother before about where he is when he's with me...!!!...Now lemme clarify a little bit here...Yea sure I hate Jim's Mother NOW...But I never really had issues with her...I hate her now because of what she did to us because she hates me...I was kinda frustrated but told him I loved him and went to sleep instead of fighting.

I got woken up at noon by my sister Krista and she said "That was Mom on the phone, she said it's gonna snow and to make a plan" I replied with a "Not right now..." and rolled over. But it was too late, I was awake. After a heavy sigh I dragged myself out of my bed, texted Jim, and got dressed. I waited for about an hour and a half for Jim to text or call me back, and got nothing. I figured he was upset or angry with me and wasn't talking to me so...After so much nagging from my parents...I got sick of it and left. Mom and Pam got home in time for hugs. When I got about half way to Cal, my cell phone went off with a text message and it was Jim. He was trying to explain himself saying that he wasn't trying to be a dick, he doesn't have gas money, etc. And I just said that I had already left so all that was too late now. He sent me one more text to say he just woke up, and ok, and he loves me. I didn't answer. I made it safely back to Cal, and called my house to let them know I was safe. Mom picked up the phone (thank god) and caught the jist that I was frustrated and just talked very calmly to me and stuff. Didn't push anything. Didn't even ask what was wrong. That's why I love my Mommy. I signed onto AIM (because I am always signed on) and went to get in the shower, hoping maybe that would calm me down. It did...I guess...Kinda sorta...My phone went off while I was showering and it was Jim asking if I had made it back to Cal yet. I texted his phone through AIM and we talked for a good while. The mood lightened. Everything is fine now. I'm still frustrated but it was never really Jim's fault, so it's not fair to be angry or upset with him. I walked to the student union to get something to eat, forgot everything except the Gold Rush is closed on Sundays, and they didn't have anything spectacular, so I walked back. The snow had definatley gotten progressively worse, and it was getting dark so it was colder as well. I decided when I got back in the room that soup was a definate. I made my soup and when I went to sit down my desk bit me, ripping my pants and skinning my leg a little. I moved my soup, and punched the desk good once, and continued to talk to Jim. My Cassie Mae signed on and I vented to her for a bit, it's kinda sad that I can stay so close to her, but then Cooper and Sarah live this close, and THAT'S who I'm getting distant with...*sigh*...Don't get me wrong! I am SOO glad that I stay so close with Cassie, but still...I'm still talking to Cassie now, and texting Jim on AIM. He has been working out again. I am very proud of him. It'll get easier as he starts to do it more, but right now he's pretty beat. Still so proud of him. I'm just gonna continue to talk to Cassie and Jim. Nothing exciting will probably happen, it's Sunday...But I may be back to write more...I may not...

I love you leelan...

Jim and I were talking last night...And I just went off on this rant...A few are from that rant, plus a few more I just thought of...I'm sure this will be updated later but...

I want:

~I want to drive to Ocean City Maryland, and see the wild ponies, see the beach and stick my toes in the sand, and walk on the boardwalk
~I want to know what forever feels like
~I want to know what it's like to die, without dying
~I want to walk down the isle
~I want to build a car, from scratch
~I want to climb the pyramids in Greece
~I want to see dolphins swimming and playing in front of my boat
~I want to go on a cruise to Alaska, and see the polar bears and seals
~I want to have healthy, beautiful babies
~I want to get an awesome job
~I want to own a house
~I want to own an unessecarilly BFT (Big Fucking Truck)
~I want to be able to put love into words
~I want to write something that I am proud of
~I want my father to be proud of me
~I want to stay in bed ALL day! I'm talkin 24 hours! Feet never touch the floor...Haven't figured out the bathroom yet...
~I want to write a song and record a demo. It doesn't have to go anywhere. I don't want to be a singer. I just would like to record in a studio.
~I want to hit the powerball
~I want my own horse
~I want to raise a german shepherd puppy
~And an Ein dog!
~I want to have ZERO debt! Even if it is just for a second...And a GREAT credit score!
~I want to get along with Jim's ENTIRE family...Instead of just HALF!
~I want to bowl an entire game with NO gutter balls. I don't have to get a 300. I just want NO gutter balls.
~I want to go scuba diving
~I want to go sky diving
~I want to go bunjee jumping
~I want to own a plane, so I can fly whenever I want to. And have my own personal pilot so I can sit with my love...
~I want my tiara for my wedding. And my pretty diamond engagement ring. And my regular white gold band for my wedding day. And the PERFECT corset like dress (NOT TOO POOFY). And cowgirl boots for shoes! And a buffet dinner at the reception, with REAL food (none of that crazy expensive crap no one likes anyway). And honey moon in North Carolina (so that I can either stay in bed all day OR go out and do stuff).
~I want to dance at a big recital
~I want to scream on top of the grand canyon and listen to my voice echo forever
~I want confidence
~I want to see all 3 of my beautiful sisters graduate
~I want to walk the Great Wall of China
~I want to be 100% sure of myself in a decision
~I want to graduate college with my teaching degree, then go back for my masters
~I want someone to look up to me (thanks Jim but...Someone ELSE)
~I want to be strong. Not muscles. Just strong emotionally
~I want to be brave! Not necessarily a hero, but brave!
~I want to have a cure for cancer. Not create it. I just want to live to see it done
~I want the end of war
~I want to photo journal an entire day. Take pictures of EVERYTHING! Then scrapbook them
~I want suprises
~I want to get flowers
~I want to have a Valentine, on Valentines DAY!
~I want to have a 50 year anniversary
~I want to grow old with the man I love
~I want a rocking chair on my porch. So I can be the nice old lady on her porch in the rocking chair. Making lemonade. Hopefully with my nice old husband next to me on his rocking chair
~I want to have a Mother's Day, where I am the Mother
~I want breakfast in bed!
~I want a hot tub!
~I want to go on a spa weekend with all my girly friends (YEP I SAID IT!)
~I want to retire
~I want to die in the arms of the one I love. At the same time. Like "The Notebook"
~I want to pick the presidents nose on Mt.Vernon
~I want to discover something secret
~I want to buy a motorcycle
~I want to own enough books to start a library
~I want to get a major award
~I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see
~I want one of my quotes/poems to be published
~Hell! I want the guts to show someone one of my quotes/poems
~I want to draw something that I am totally and completely happy with
~I want to invent something that will help someone
~I want to eventually be a Grandma
~I want to see everyone I've ever lost again
~I want to describe something so beautiful it's undescribable
~I want to not be so alone all of the time
~I want to not say "sorry" so much
~I want to sit and just think more often
~I want everyone I care about to have an awesome life
~I want something wrong to happen to everyone that's ever done something wrong to me
~I want to go to a ball, and have everyone look at me when I get escorted down the stairs
~I want to go to a mascarade, or AT LEAST a costume party
~I want to go to Disney World with my family (plus Pam and Jim...But they are family)
~I want to be the greatest best friend ever
~I want to be the greatest big sister ever
~I want to be the greatest daughter ever
~I want to be the crazy WoW pet lady...
~I want a GOOD relationship that lasts over 4 years
~I want to not get so stressed out (especially over tests and quizes)
~I want an un-limited supply of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream, Cherry Garcia would also be good
~I want to see a stupid tourist attraction (ex: The World's Biggest Ball of String!)
~I want to go to a HUGE racetrack (ex: Daytona) and see (or even better, participate in) a huge race
~I want to make a basket in a basketball game (5 years of playing...Never made a basket in a game...)
~I want to go to Caldwell, New York and find the Black Dagger Brotherhood
~I want more tattoos (all of them meaningful, of course)
~I want to run in the woods, perhaps even get lost, but not in the dark, and not alone
~I want to learn how to control my temper, just a bit more
~I want my Cassie's boyfriend Nick to be able to see again
~I want to make a huge dinner and have everyone over to eat
~I want my great-grandfather to live forever
~I want to go to a bunch more concerts
~I want to get at least a little messed up in a mosh pit (not a whole lot to where I have to leave the concert, just a little)
~I want to dance and kiss in the rain
~I want to jump in puddles like I did when I was a kid
~I want to go storm chassing
~I want Cassie and Michael to come back to Cal U so we can watch Robot Chicken and laugh until it hurts
~I want to create or be created as an anime/cartoon character
~I want to have a bon fire so big that you can see it from outter space
~I want to float in zero gravity
~I want to see (one of my best friends) Lara on a big movie screen or on a big stage
~I want to be able to watch "Grey's Anatomy" with Kim every week and have girly talk and make awesome muffins
~I want to have more days where I go to an Italians house to make Mexican food and watch Hockey with an Oreo
~I want all of the friends that I have that are a couple to get married! Hahaha
~I want to say "I love you" more often
~(I am not wishing my life away here but...) I want to be 21 so that I can go to the bar with my friends, I'll get to hang out with them all more often!
~I want to go to more amusement parks, and ride EVERYTHING
~I always want to do the very best I can at EVERYTHING I do
~I want to change someones life by something that I say or do
~I want to chase a rainbow
~I want to sing and dance on tables like in RENT and not get kicked out of wherever I am
~I want an Everlasting Gobstopper. Not like the ones in the stores now. A real one. Like from the movie
~I want to go skating more often, either ice skating or roller bladding
~I want to go to Ireland
~I want to go to Italy
~I want to go to Paris and climb all the stairs to the top of the Eifell Tower
~I want to eat gelatto and custard (SUPER ICE CREAM!)
~I want to never limit myself
~And I want to do all of that before I die! READY...SET...GO!!!

I'm sure there's so much more that I want to do. And I hope there's so much more I WILL do. And I'm sure this will be updated. But that's that for now...
I love you leelan...

Soo...It's been 4 days...And o so much has happened...
Wednesday was amazing...Class was eh...But afterward I knew I was going to see Jim...I got into the car after class and headed to 84...When I got in the car and got my kiss we talked about what was coming out that day at midnight. The new WoW expansion pack "Wrath of the Lich King"! We went to CiCi's pizza to eat. Then to Destinta to see what time our movie "Role Models" was playing, ended up deciding 7:15 was a good time. Then we went to Game Stop by Destinta. The plan was just to check it out, walk and look around foro a bit (we still had a while till our movie started) but the people that word there said they were still pre-ordering the new expansion. After a lot of bullshitting with the people that work there we deicded to pre-order two expansions, just to make sure they'd be there for us. Then we hung out a little bit more in Game Stop, and went to Destinta to watch our movie...It was definatley funny and we liked it. After the movie we went to Wal Mart, just because that's the default thing to do when you're bored, and walked around for a bit. I called Jen to see what she was doing and she said she was going to call her Mom to see if we could chill at her house, and then call me back. Jim and I walked around a bit more, and my cell phone finally rang, it was Jen and she said her Mom and her were fighting and we weren't going to get to hang out tonight. Ok, no biggie I guess. Jim and I walked around a bit more, and I ended up buying the new Taylor Swift CD, and the soundtrack to Twilight, and 2 huge Gatorades. After that we went t the paring lot to just sit and talk, and my phone rang and it was Neighbor Kim. Just calling to say hi and talk and such, and mentioned that she wants me to come to her house while Michael is at home, because she doesn't want him to bring other girls in the house. She even mentioned that Jim could come and Jim and I could have her room for those days. After a long laugh from everyone, cuz Jim and Mike in the same house is a bad idea, we talked a little more then hung up. Jim and I talked about him coming with me to Mike's, and I genuinely want him to, but it will be a Monday and Tuesday so...It's not going to happen...After talking and drinking Gatorade a bit more in the parking lot, we decided we should go check out who is at the Game Stop "party" thing for the midnight expansion. We were very cautious at first, because we didn't want to look like TOO big of losers...But then we saw people standing outside smoking...Well...You have to be 18 to buy cigarettes...SOO...We got out of the car and decided to take a look, what's the worst that can happen?!? It was awesome. And I saw Chris and Alex there! 2 people from high school I haven't seen in forever, and to be honest really didn't think I would see again...We sat there and bullshitted with all of the other losers (who, by the way, the youngest one there, was 16...WOOT!) from 10ish to midnight. And then the (kinda) madness started. Everyone got their game and left, all excited. Jim needed gas so we went to the gas station right next to the parking lot, got gas, and 2 energy drinks.

By this time, of course, it's Thursday. Jim and I had decided to pull an all-nighter to stay up and play the new WoW, hence the 2 HUGE Rockstar energy drinks. Which by the way are awesome. I sipped it cautiosuly all night, and never finished it, didn't want to get my heart to freak out too much, but it tasted good too! Jim made it to about 4 in the morning, and then was tired, so he went to bed for a few hours before work. I had scheduling at 7, and my Exceptional Child class started at 8, so I knew I wouldn't wake up to an alarm. Plus I was too nervous to go to sleep, worried that I wouldn't wake up, because I knew that if I wasn't on the computer AT EXACTLY 7, I wouldn't get the classes I needed...And because of failing Exceptional Child last yaer...I am already behind...I NEED certain classes! So I stayed up...I wrote some more of my research paper, and read some more of my book, and stayed up...I scheduled at 7, and suprisingly got every class I needed, not at the original times that were planned, but that doesn't really matter. Then I got dressed, checked all of my email, and went to Exceptional Child. Which, supprinsingly went by pretty fast. Thank goodness! After Exceptional Child I got on AIM and talked to Cassie Mae for a bit, then lost the battle against my body and passed out. Woke up at 3 and went to the barn. The barn is always awesome, and I found out about this Christmas party that they're having...Which I probably will not go to...Because of Olivia...Had a lot of pretty deap conversations with Lara (the lady in charge of the theraputic ridding). After the barn, I called Jim and we talked for a good while, he was playing my WoW character, but we talked. I decided to go straight to Kim's from the barn, instead of back to my lonely dorm room foronly 20 minutes. So I got off of the phone with Jim and called Kim to make sure that was okay. She said of course so I headed that way. When I got there I got to meet Kim's brother (the one that was in the accident earlier), his wife, and their ADORABLE little baby girl! They were all very nice, and I ended up playing with the baby. She was just so cute! But eventually she got tired, so they went home, and Kim and I watched Grey's Anatomy. We decided about in the middle to make blueberry muffins. OOO were they GOOD! Eventually though I knew I had to go back to my dorm room, so I drove in the CRAZY fog. THAT was scary as hell, I couldn't see a foot in front of my car! I finally got back on campus and called Kim and Jim to let them know I was okay. Jim and I talked on AIM for a little bit then we were both OUT!

Friday (yesterday) I ended up sleeping in because Jim forgot to call me. So I ended up not going to Psyche or Choir. I went to English though. We peer edited the research paper that I have been writting FOREVER and then my teacher looked at it AGAIN! I hate peer editing. It makes me nervous. I dunno. But the guy that peer edited for me was really If I do not get an awesome grade on that paper I am not going to know what the fuck to do with myself. I mean. My teacher has looked at it FOUR times! And made changes, then given it back and I've fixed the mistakes, written some more, and shes's looked it over AGAIN! I should have 100%!!! Who knows...I just hope I get a good grade because it's worth two grades in the grade book...So I need a good grade...After English I packed my laptop and clothes, and headed to the car. The drive home was nice, I drove in and out of the rain the entire time, but still nice. But I was nervous about this weekend because my Mom isn't home. I came home for Jim because he has to watch his mother's dogs this weekend. Whatever. When I got home I asked Dad if Jim could come over for dinner and he said no problem, and plan "SUPRISE KRONK" began. After not being able to get Jim on the phone AT ALL he just showed up, which was good I guess. We all ate burgers for dinner and told Kronk to get her coat and shoes on. We went to Wal Mart to get 88cent candy and loaded Kronks purse and Jims coat. We were still a bit early for the suprise after that so we went to the petstore and Kronk loved it. Then to the real suprise. Jim and I took Kronk to see Madagascar 2 at 7:50PM for her AWESOME report card. We also drove Krista and her friend Rosemary to the movies so that they could see HSM3. Waiting for Krista and Rosemary we got a ICEE and I saw Tasha Campbell from high school. I aslo saw Rich and Brandon AGAIN, it seems like I always see him there. They're all cool though so it's nice. After Krista and Rosemary met us after their movie was over we dropped Rosemary off and headed home ourselves. Jenna and Krista went into the house while Jim and I talked. Apparently he had fought with his mother because she just won't leave him alone, so he needed to go home and talk it out. At this time I am thinking fucking great, now I am never going to be allowed to go over there tommarow...Jim and I parted ways after many kisses and I went inside. When he got home we got on AIM and talked. He said all his mother said about me coming over was "We'll see. You know how it goes" YEA! GREAT! Jim said I was coming over anyway and I said no way because I want nothing to do with that house and if she were to come in and start throwing a fit at me and start bitching, we would have MAJOR problems. We agreed that we would worry about it tommarow. We talked on AIM until 3AM about other random stuff and then went to bed.

Saturday...Today...Day of hell for a certain personal reason (of course)...But I thought it was going to go alright because I slept until 2PM. Hahahahaha OOPS! When I opened my eyes I looked at my cell phone (like I always do) and saw that I had a text from Jim. "Call me when you can please i love you!" Now...The night before I had told him to CALL me when he knew anything, but the text had been sent only 15 minutes before I woke up so...It was okay I guess...I called him and he sounded EXTREMELY upset...Him and his Mother had just gotten into an even bigger fight and everything is a disaster and he was feeling sick...Hm...I wanted to say told ya so...But I comforted instead. I told him to go back to sleep and if he didn't fall asleep in half an hour he could call me back, and if he fell asleep call me when he woke up...He said okay, we said I love you's, and hung up. I then proceeded to throw and punch things around my room. The one day out of the year that I could perhaps need Jim the MOST! And she has to go and be a bitch! FIGURES! UUUGGGHHHH! I hate that woman...I just want her to go away...And the worst part is...She's moving to FL...And now she's going to leave the house for Jim and his sister...Great right?!? NOT! I kept talking to Jim about it and saying that I will not even be allowed in the house when she was in FL, and he said no because she won't be here. WELL SHE WASN'T HERE TODAY EITHER AND I STILL WASN'T ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE!!! Extreme frustration. Which had to stop abruptly when Jenna walked in my room to see if I was okay. I wanted to say no...Because I wasn't...But "Yea. Be out in a minute" came out instead...I went into the upstairs living room and watched TV with Jenna and Krista for a good long while and then thought it might be a good idea to get something to eat. When I got downstairs I realized I didn't really want anything. But took 2 cookies anyway. While I was eating my cookies my Dad came upstairs to say that he was listening to 8-tracks in the garage. As to not start a huge fight, I started conversation instead, and we talked about his music. Whatever. Then he asked what was going on with me today, and what I was doing. I (as calm as possible, although I am sure I didn't do very well) explained SOME of the situation to him, just that Jim and his Mother were fighting, and asking if I could come over would have been a bad idea, so I was probably just ending up staying home all day today. He seemed confused, and perhaps even a little worried, but on the other hand got the hint and went back downstairs into the garage. I went upstairs and watched some more TV with my sisters and the phone rang. It was Lara and she had just scored a role in a movie. I put everything aside and was genuinely excited for her for about 10 minutes on the phone. Then she had to go, she was driving. I hung up with Lara, and STARTED this entry, and the phone rang AGAIN. It was Jim. I picked it up and asked if I could call him right back from the house phone, and he agreed. When I went downstairs to get a phone that actually works I saw my Dad again, and he asked if he ordered pizza and wings for dinner, would I go get them in my car, so that he could have a beer. I said sure and continued walking for a phone. I got the phone, dialed Jim's number, and hid in my room talking to him for a good long while. Dad came up to get the phone to order dinner after a while, and he ordered then I called Jim back. I had to get off to go get dinner, and dinner was FANTASTIC! After dinner I called Jim and we talked until we talked about him working out, then he decided he was going to go try it. Yea...Pretty much been on the phone all day..I gave the phone to Krista so that she could call her (pretty much) boyfriend. And he gave it to Ken Beckle who I also went to high school with, and we talked for all of 3 minutes. I am so not in a people mood today. And Krista wanted to talk to Alex so...Now I am just sitting here listening to music and writting...Waiting for Jim to get on AIM...Fun day...I think NOT! So much for my weekend...Try again next week I guess...
I might be back to write more tonight. I might not. I can almost guarentee nothing exciting is going to happen so...Probably not...
And to clarify! I am not angry with Jim! I am frustrated by the ENTIRE situation!
BUT!!!
This is bullshit...And you fucking know it...
I love you leelan...